A 144,000's Take on Marriage

My family constantly puts me down and insinuates against me. I feel upon reflection that is probably because they judge my celibacy. I find them so disgusting because when they were young they were all disgusting fornicators who thought about nothing but sex and banging. Let's say, they have all been divorced, and the ones who have not ben divorced are either thinking about it, or did think about it and in the future will probably continue thinking about it. I think they are far too honorable to cheat against their spouses, because that's a different sort of sleaze and they are not sleazy in that way.

But it seems obviously they are so sex-obsessed that they cannot possibly imagine how someone could be happy without having a significant others.

So let me discuss what I hate about marriage and why it is so trash to me, and worthless.

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1) Bridezillas... They go crazy. They want to spend you into bankruptcy. Finances are, and don't ask me, I don't know from experience, but so the experts say, finances, are the number one cause of divorce.

So what people tend to do today, is naturally, by a ten-layer cake, spend an average of nearly $30,000 on the ceremony and a get-away to some fancy island out somewhere in the ocean. This could only mean one thing: From the day you get married, you are doomed to divorce.

2) Stupid and nauseating displays of affection. I'm sure you love each other. Just stop smooching on one another out in public and being disgusting. No one cares who you love, what sex they are, and whether or not you're a sodomite. Just please, take it inside. It's disgusting.

3) At the end of the vows, the minister says, "Now you may kiss the bride." That is such a patriarchal, chauvinist remark. Shouldn't I ask my spouse if she wants to be kissed, or should I just force it on her, Pastor? Surely a priest would never violate anyone sexually would they? Oh wait..

And publicly? If I'm going to kiss my wife, I will go inside to kiss her. And I may not even kiss her on the mouth. And frankly, that is none of your business. Why, why don't we just have sex in front of all the guests and they can make recommendations or explain how our preferences violate their religious mores. How about that?

4) Why would I want to have sex with someone, I've gotten to know so well? In the animal kingdom, they jump into bed with anyone and everyone, and probably do not even introduce themselves. That sounds about how I would like it. Sex almost precludes having sex with someone you know. Only geese and tortoises mate for life so why should humans be any different? Oh yeah, that man-made construct called "morality".

5) Rape. If I'm married to a woman who for the most part I do not care to have sex with because I have a very low sex drive, and she has a high need for sex, then I am going to have to agree to be raped, at least some of the time.

I recall Phyllis Schlafly once said, that there was no such thing as rape in marriage, For, "You consented when you said 'I do'." Ha, you dirty old bitch. I always loved Phyllis. I might have married her in another life.

Frankly, it's my body, and I don't want to have to be forced into sex with someone I do not want to have sex with, unless she is a total stranger, and I've been quietly wishing she attacks me and dominates me, like a grecian siren or a hebraic succubus. And then she should make me feel dirty and tell me to like it.

6) Marriage makes people do the stupidest things. Like those stupid women who marry men and bring them to live in a house with children who are not theirs. They will actively defend their husbands, even though he rapes her kids. Or husbands who defend their wives even though they are drug addicts and beat and torture their own children. Marriage causes retardation.

7) It's the most stupid thing. You marry a spendthrift who wants to spend your way into dozens of maxxed out credit cards, and thousands in debt, while you're trying to be responsible and save for a down payment on a house. Or your spouse can't get off speed, and she gets you hooked too.  Either you are far too filthy to be married to who you are, or your spouse is too filthy. Either way, you both sink to the lowest one's level.

8) Kids. They are disgusting and annoy the hell out of everyone in public. Parents are afraid to teach their kids discipline, or they just think it's cute. Oh yeah, it's real cute when I'm trying to enjoy my meal, and your kid will not shut his damned mouth and stop screaming.

And that is not even the worst of it. The worst part is how special these bastards think they are, and how happy they pretend they are. And they pretend so strongly that they put down others who are not like them. They put down single people and judge them. They think there is something wrong with us. When I see people around me who marry people they do not love, they traumatize their own children, they live in debt and they marry men for their money, they divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry three, four or five times.

I have to say enough. I do not want any part of this disgusting institution. Let us think in terms of a cliff. I wish you a great marriage, while you both wander off a cliff. OR, I wish you well, as you push your spouse off a cliff. OR, I hope you find help before your wife drives you off a cliff.

Mariage always ends in a pit. And anyone who says it doesn't, is probably a born-again Christian family who I give mad props to because they managed to do something that society has made all but impossible for most people. God bless them.